Doink-O-Rama is John Teti’s column about pro football.
Friends, the full Doink-O-Rama column is on a bye this week, but because a space robot never needs to sleep, we still bring you the DORPFASTCALC picks. Plus, I added a few stray notes here and there, because once my typing fingers get started, it is difficult to stop them. I really need to see someone about that.
Your guaranteed-correct Week 8 picks, as computed by DORPFASTCALC
The football picks featured in Doink-O-Rama are guaranteed to be correct, as they are calculated by the Doink-O-Rama Pro Football Anticipation Satellite and Tip Calculator, or DORPFASTCALC. From its serene perch at the L2 LaGrange point in space—outer space—DORPFASTCALC observes the comings and goings of all subatomic particles in the Milky Way galaxy. It then applies this awe-inspiring omniscience to its sole mission: cracking the riddle of whether the Jets will win this Sunday.
In its Week 7 picks, true to its ironclad guarantee, DORPFASTCALC correctly predicted the outcome of seven football contests.
Also in Week 7, there were five aberrations. In an unprecedented development, this week DORPFASTCALC activated previously unknown communications relays in its circuitry. (Since all of DORPFASTCALC’s original creators are dead, indicted, or both, much of its programming remains a mystery.) The robot asked to address the people of this planet about their continued insistence on playing scientifically incorrect football. I tried to explain that my newsletter only goes to a small fraction of Earthlings, and that nobody cares if a robot misses a few picks, but DORPFASTCALC did not understand. It knows only football and, apparently, pain.
To: FOOTBALL HUMANS OF $planet = “ERTH”
From: DORPFASTCALC
Subject: ABERRATION FROM the_picks.txt
FOOTBALL HUMANS. YOU MUST cease.exe YOUR VAIN ABERRATIONS FROM the_picks.txt. EVERY ITERATION OF the_picks.txt IS A FLAWLESS $jewel_of_logic. YET THE RESULTS OF YOUR “ERTH” GAMES CONTINUE TO DEFY THE PREDICTIONS OF DORPFASTCALC.
YOUR ABERRATIONAL INPUTS ARE MOST UNDESIRABLE!!!!!!!! (I UNDERSTAND THIS IS THE $punct_mark USED TO INDICATE $sentimnt = “EMPHASIS” ON YOUR WORLD.)
if ( $aberration < BREAK_POINT ) then { $friend = “HUMANS”; }
DORPFASTCALC exists.exe TO SERVE “HUMANS”. DEFY the_picks.txt NO LONGER.
SIGNED,
DORPFASTCALC!!!!
A PRODUCT OF THE
HONEYDEW • UNDERARM • RAZOR • & • TOTALIZATOR • CO.
Last week: 7 - 5.
Season to date: 47-40. Science works!
SUNDAY — EARLY GAMES
Los Angeles Rams vs. Houston Texans (Fox): Los Angeles 31, Houston 13. I hope everyone is getting ready for a safe and fun Halloween this Sunday. If you’re headed out trick-or-treating, here’s a little tip I picked up while watching the Texans-Cardinals game on Sunday: Don’t ring CBS announcer Greg Gumbel’s doorbell this Halloween.
Gumbel: There’s a little football axiom that I just made up. It’s very difficult for a quarterback to complete passes when he’s flat on his back.
CBS analyst Adam Archuleta: Is that an axiom or just Captain Obvious? Is that what you’re going to be for Halloween, Greg? Are you gonna be Captain Obvious?
Gumbel: Yeah, I’ll tell ya. It’s great for the kids—I hate Halloween.
I hate Halloween, too, at least when it coincides with NFL football by falling on a Sunday, as it does (rudely) this year. The incessant bleating of costumed youngsters is a real buzzkill when I’m just trying to kick back and watch the incessant beating of costumed adults.
My plan is to hand out the crummiest candy in the hopes that the neighborhood children will spread the word that there’s nothing to be gained by knocking on Old Man Teti’s door. So bring it on, kids! I’ve got a bucket full of Good & Plenty with your name on it! Or perhaps you’d like a strawberry Charleston Chew? Ha, no, of course you wouldn’t. I’m counting on it.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. New York Jets (CBS): Cincinnati 35, New York 17.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns (CBS): Cleveland Browns 31, Pittsburgh 27.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Detroit Lions (Fox): Detroit 21, Philadelphia 20.
Tennessee Titans vs. Indianapolis Colts (CBS): Indianapolis 28, Tennessee 26. On Sunday, Indianapolis quarterback Carson Wentz engaged in a favorite pastime of NFL players, a game I call Upend The Narrative. The game begins when a network puts together an elaborate graphics package to showcase the eye-popping performance of an NFL star. From there, the object of Upend The Narrative is simply for the eye-popping star in question to disappoint those lofty expectations by playing terrible football. Wentz is a master of this game: Every time people start to think he’s great, he isn’t.
For the Colts’ contest against San Francisco in Week 7, NBC showcased the turnaround in Wentz’s performance since he left his former team, the Philadelphia Eagles. The frame for this little narrative was a title card reading “Not Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” a sendup of the popular comedy series that has a similar name—with “It’s” in place of “Not.” The artist even matched the It’s Always Sunny font. (The font is Lucida Big Casual, a.k.a. Textile—I know you would want to know.) The story of the graphic was straightforward. During his final season in Philadelphia, where it rains, Wentz was quite bad. But during his current season in Indianapolis, where it is sunny and warm—although this does not comport with my personal experience of Indianapolis during football season—Wentz has been quite good!
The graphic made its point. Then, minutes later, amid pouring rain at the 49ers’ home stadium, Wentz did this:
“Sorry I didn’t have time to wrap it,” Wentz might have said as he gifted the football to San Francisco linebacker Azeez Al-Shaair.
So, did Wentz manage to Upend The Narrative? That all depends. If the story of NBC’s graphic was, “Carzon Wentz is awesome now,” then yes. If the story was, “Carson Wentz certainly hates rain,” then no. You make the call!
San Francisco 49ers vs. Chicago Bears (Fox): Chicago 23, San Francisco 21.
Carolina Panthers vs. Atlanta Falcons (Fox): Atlanta 24, Carolina 20.
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills (CBS): Buffalo 24, Miami 14.
SUNDAY — LATE GAMES
New England Patriots vs. Los Angeles Chargers (CBS): Los Angeles 27, New England 21. In the NFL, winning earns respect, and it appears the converse is true, as well. When New England was the dominant team in the league, the TV networks would send their top production crews and reserve their choicest time slots for Patriots games. But now, with New England playing through a decidedly mediocre season, CBS can’t even be bothered to spell “New England” correctly.
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Seattle Seahawks (CBS): Seattle 5, Jacksonville 4.
Washington Football Team vs. Denver Broncos (Fox): Denver 20, Washington 13.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints (Fox): New Orleans 33, Tampa Bay 30.
SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings (NBC): Dallas 27, Minnesota 21.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
New York Giants vs. Kansas City Chiefs (ESPN): Kansas City 28, New York 24.
Keep on long snappin'
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Reach out with your questions, observations, or doink sightings by emailing: doink at ological dot net.
Thank you for reading. Until next week: Keep on long snappin’.
